It’s a busy life today. Everyone is busy. So are you. But are you too busy to pay attention to your relationship? Are you sure your partner is not feeling taken for granted?
Some of us have walked really close to the precipice without even knowing that the crevice is right behind us.
We often fall into believing that myth that ours is a Steady Relationship, and forget about them till we are about to lose them.
A Finite number of hits
I have this concept which I have had for quite some time now. It is a bit weird, but I have been a dreamer all my life.
Tell me if this makes sense to you.
I believe from the time we all set foot into this world, we start gathering Relationship points. I call them Hits. Hits are very similar to your money in the bank. No matter how much you have, your bank balance is a finite number,. Similarly you have a finite number of Hits against each one you know.
Every time you have met someone, you have deposited a certain number of Hits in your Relationship bank against that person.
Every time you have interacted or even seen a person, that count either got deposited or depleted from your Relationship Bank, depending on the quality of interaction and depending on his or her expectation from you.
I believe the analogy is true for every relationship. However, lets just talk about a romantic relationship in particular
Whether between a husband and a wife or partners who live together, the equation is the same.
Your Hit count starts from Zero when you meet someone for the first time.
When you come close to a person, you gain Hits. Every time you impress someone, you gain them. Every time you do something good for someone and he or she feels obliged or grateful, you gain them. Depending on how much the person expects from you and how much you do for him or her, your hit count increases as you come close to the person.
However, every time your relationship suffers a blow, it takes away a Number of Hits which you had in the Relationship Bank. You now start counting back on your Hit count.
Something minor in a relationship will hardly affect the Hit count. However, something major like a basic difference of ethics or loss of trust can drastically reduce the Hit count, causing a dynamic shift in the relationship.
Everyone has a different equation.
What hurts Shania may not be as painful for Robert, and it costs you different amounts of Hits for every person.
Robert may expect intimacy more than gifts or gestures of love, or vice versa. Give him what he wants and your Hit count climbs steeply. Hurt him right there where he feels most hurt, and it equally drains your Hit-count in a matter of seconds.
Shania feels taken for granted when you forget what she needs while Robert may just let that go.
That’s why it is important to understand your partner’s expectations.
As long as a relationship is alive, it’s Hit count is changing. Every day when you spend time on it, good or bad, it either increases or decreases. When the Hit count of a relationship falls to zero, it dies. When you have spent more Hits than you had stored, your Relationship Bank is empty.
What do you do then?
You either walk away from it, Start again from scratch with renewed energy or remain in that relationship because you have nowhere else to go.
Taken for Granted: The greatest Myths
Let us bust those myths which are eating away today’s relationships like a termite.
Be honest with yourself when you are reading this list. I have seen relationships getting rotten and spoilt because people did not see through these myths in time.
If you feel you are going wrong somewhere, please correct that. It will be worth it.
1. Unless you are emotionally involved in keeping a relationship alive, your hit count decreases.
That means it decreases even if you are doing nothing. Many of us think their partners will be happy on his or her own. That’s where your relationship becomes stale. Nothing can ever replace your physical and emotional involvement.
- You might think your girlfriend is having the time of her life – Afterall she can go shopping whenever she wants!! She might just be waiting for a call from you at the end of the day. That’s costing you Hits by the minute!
- You may justify telling yourself that you are busy earning for the family just so that they have a good life. That’s why you do not have time for them. It’s logical. But logic isn’t what earns you Hits. Your family feels taken for granted. Again, costing you Hits by the minute!
2. Your Hits are really a finite number!! Apart from your parents, no one in this world has an infinite number of hits for you. It is only your parents who can push through every bit of neglect you thrust upon them and yet find a way to forgive you. No one else will.
- Your Hit count will finish one day and that will be the end of your relationship. Make sure you have not neglected it long enough.
3. Men are Victims too: You think only women are taken for granted? That may conforms to common belief, but trust me, in today’s world men suffer from it equally, if not more. Men have emotional needs just like women and can also feel taken for granted.
- When a man and a woman expects different things at the same time, relationships suffer. A woman is just as likely not to understand her partner’s emotional needs as a man is.
- Two people who do not need to talk can live very happily with each other. There is nothing wrong or right about it. It is the expectation-unbalance which results in the greatest loss of Hits.
4. Your intentions do matter, but not as much as you think. If you do not know your partner, your shortcomings will make your relationship suffer no matter how good your intentions are. They will still cost you Hits.
- You may tell yourself, “I know he wants me to talk to him, but I do not find things to say. I wish I did.” That does not really help. Even though your partner understands your intentions he still will feel hurt and cost you Hits. The heart wants what the heart wants. No amount of logic can ever reduce that pain of not being understood by the one who matters most.
- No one is really incapable of understanding another person. Just make it worth your while and really listen. It may not be easy for you, but if you really do care, and if it is important to your partner, keep trying until your succeed.
- That said, if there is love between you, not everything is lost. You will gain Hits for being thoughtful, even if not meeting his or her emotional needs. The worst is when you do not care. That is when your partner feels completely taken for granted.
5. What you want to say may not be what your partner wants to hear, no matter how good it seems to you. Like I said, the heart does care for logic – It will always want what it wants. If you do not know the other person well enough to understand how he or she feels, your Hit count decreases.
6. Physical distance matter, but again, not as much as you think. Whether you are in a Long distance relationship or waking up with that person every day, try and Stay positive on the Hit count. There are several ways to increase your Hits even from a distance.
There is a lot to say. I shall continue this post in further detail in its next part.
Often things are not what they seem.
Often, as we sleep on our relationships, we fail to realize that our partners have left, leaving us alone in bed.
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