This thought should prevent us from taking anyone for granted ever again.
No one apart from your parents has the responsibility of loving you, really.
If they do, its a bliss.
And when you use up your balance of relationship points which you have gained, through ignorance or indifference, your relationship dies. At that point, you lose the ability to hurt that person ever again.
Even if the person does not leave you physically, love leaves. I have seen such relationships die.
My wife, the person I am in love with, loves me more than anyone else in the world, yet I am scared of losing my relationship points every day.
It is my belief that if we understand what make people tick we shall make better relationships, and make them last much longer.
So, what affects us most?
How do we really come close to a person?
What is the equation of Gaining relationship points?
There is actually an equation, and it is simple.
The number of Hits you gain, the Relationship points you gather, rather how close you get to a person is determined by two factors.
Hit count = Thoughtfulness x Sensitivity
In other words, how much your gesture elevates your relationship is directly proportional to how thoughtful you are about that gesture, and also directly proportional to how sensitive the other person is about your gestures at that point of time.
What is thoughtfulness?
The definition of that word is widely misunderstood. Not surprisingly hence, it leads to broken relationships.
How thoughtful you are is embedded in the question –
How much thought you have put into a gesture?
Contrary to popular belief, it is not about how much effort you have spent over a certain gesture.
Have you customised it to his or her emotional needs? Have you taken the pain of understanding the person first before hoping that your gesture will be appreciated?
What is sensitivity?
This is the more crucial part. The more sensitive the person is towards you, more the impact of a good or bad gesture.
The same action by one friend may not hurt much, while it may be extremely painful from the other.
If your boyfriend wants you to come watch him on stage in a concert, and if that’s what he is passionate about, do not expect that you can ditch him there and make up for it later on with sex. You may not be able to do that so easily.
Be thoughtful. Realize what means more to him. You can gain a number of relationship points by using this knowledge.
You may do less and yet get closer to that person, just by being thoughtful.
He may have called all his friends to that concert,
Yet your presence means the most to him.
Others may not matter as much you do. That’s because he is more sensitive towards you.
The way to be:
Relationships can be improved in every phase of life. It all depends on how much you want, and whether you understand how to.
When you start a relationship, it is easier because whatever you do will be accepted graciously. The sensitivity is high.
Later in your relationship, you know that person more. That gives you another advantage. You can be more thoughtful.
You will now know what your partner wants. If you pay attention, it is not that hard to create that impact again. Surprises greatly affect Relationship Points. Anything good that comes unexpectedly makes us very happy.
Just make sure you pay attention to your relationship needs.
Why do I need to quantify love?
Many feel that love and relationships are things which cannot be and should not be quantified like this.
I respect that thought.
It is just that too many relationships have been lost because of ignorance of their parameters.
Emotions are our most important assets, and they must be protected! And I feel that we need to understand them logically in order to protect them.
One additional thought:
I had to mention this once again because as elementary as it sounds, this is a mistake that many couples make. I have faced this in my own relationships too.
In trying to judge the impact factor of your gesture, you need to know your partner’s needs. They may not be the same as yours.
Not everything that you want to say may be what your partner wants to hear.
Not everyone feels the same way about a certain thing. We often make a mistake in thinking that our own thoughts will reciprocate in the other person.
If she likes roses, and you bring her a Box of chocolates, you may have paid more, and with honest intentions, but it will not create more impact. If you like Vanilla Ice-cream, and she brings you Hazelnut, she might have gone to a large extent in getting that for you, but that does not mean you will enjoy that as much.
In fact, you may feel bad to think that she did not know what you wanted.
Your wife may expect you to sit with her and talk to her about what she feels and how she has been. That could be the most thoughtful gift you can give her. She may start loving you more for it. If instead, you try to impress her with expensive gifts, it may not create a nearly equal impact.
You need to know that person to have any impact on the relationship!
After a certain point in a relationship, if your partner does not realize your needs, it hurts. You tend to equate how little that person knows about you against how thoughtful you are.
Hence, the phrase “being thoughtful” has an inherent condition:
Thoughtfulness is not how much you want to do, but how much you know about what needs to be done. If you know that, simplest of gestures can build up your Relationship points by leaps and bounds.
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